Secrets.
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not,” wrote Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. And there are times when the truth of these secrets may follow a man to the grave.
As we continue our month-long celebration of Mountain Shadows fathers, we explore the meaning of fatherhood in all of its glory and complexity.
And, thanks to a generous pledge to match up to $10,000, your donation will be doubled, to celebrate the fathers and sons, whose love is Thicker Than Blood.
We are incredibly grateful to recognize two generous donors for their outstanding support. Our heartfelt thanks goes to John and Tresa Martindale, and the Gaspare Family Foundation, who have pledged a total matching gift of $10,000. Their commitment will double the impact of your generosity, significantly enhancing our ability to further the Mountain Shadows Foundation mission. Thank you for your unwavering support!
Please Click Here to Have Your Donation DOUBLED Today! And, as we may see in the story below, in the sharing of a secret never before told, perhaps it is not flesh and blood, but instead the heart, which truly makes men fathers and sons. |
Thicker Than Blood:
John Martindale –
His Father’s One & Only Son |
John Martindale’s father, Don. |
Author’s note: No life goes without challenges in this world. How we face those challenges defines us.
It is in our darkest moments that we can choose to shine our light. Where we can choose goodness, selflessness, forgiveness, love.
In the story below, through all of life’s challenges, the Martindale men – John Martindale and his father, Don – chose love. Unconditional love.
Not long after John’s mother and father married, his mother, Margaret, suffered a debilitating stroke, which left her paralyzed on one side of her body. “My mom is a large part of the reason I’m involved with Mountain Shadows,” says John. “When I think of the struggles she had – she had a hard life. She couldn’t cut a tomato by herself. She couldn’t dress herself. But she was such a strong woman. Despite her handicap, she went on to learn to drive. She decided to go to Cal State LA to get a master’s degree in occupational therapy. She ran two congressional campaigns for a congressman, and campaigned for Ronald Reagan.”
John’s father, Don, worked three jobs to provide for the family and pay for Margaret’s ongoing medical bills and her many surgeries. It was a difficult life, and yet, at the heart of it all was his love for his family. And, even when a devastating secret was revealed, a secret that would have torn many families apart, Don chose – unconditional love.
In 1993, John attended the very first Mountain Shadows Golf Tournament Committee Meeting, where he met a small cadre of Mountain Shadows parents, and a man named Doug Cook. The meeting changed the course of his life. Inspired by the examples set by his parents, and by the Mountain Shadows Family – he became dedicated to helping those who are underserved. “Mountain Shadows is a piece of my heart,” says John. “From the day I met some of the Mountain Shadows parents, and Doug Cook, I knew. When Doug said, ‘Will you help us?’ Well, they had me ‘help’. I knew I had to do it.
“Tresa, my family, they’ve all had opportunities to spend time with the residents. I think Mountain Shadows is what helps keep me grounded, helps me be able to put myself in other people’s shoes. We’re blessed, and we’re blessed to be able to help others as best as we can. Knowing I’m making a difference, I think that’s what motivates me at Mountain Shadows and in life.”
We are so deeply grateful to have had John Martindale as a part of our Mountain Shadows Family for the past 32 years – and we can say that proudly, because we believe our Mountain Shadows Family ties are truly thicker than blood. |
John Martindale and his father, Don, 1962. |
Held in his father’s strong arms (photo above), John Martindale, Mountain Shadows Board and Family Member, felt safe, and loved. On that carefree day in Berkeley, California, neither John nor his father yet knew what secrets lay buried beneath the happy, shiny surface of their lives.
It would be nearly six years before his father, Don, knew, and four decades more before the truth was revealed to John.
“My father and I were very, very close,” says John. “He was a big man – loud and loving. When he walked into a room, everybody knew he was coming through. And, if you were close to him, he was going to gobble you up and put you in his arms if you weren’t careful.
“My father always made bad into good, darkness into light, and s***t into gold. His big hands wrapped around your face made the world all better.”
Father and son. The bonds between men. John was gobbled up in his father’s arms many times over the years. It was a powerful and loving embrace that made John feel stable, secure, grounded in the foundation of his family. But would his father’s arms be strong enough to hold him as secrets threatened to tear apart the very fabric upon which his life had been built?
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“My dad grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah, and was raised as a Mormon,” says John. “He was popular – the star quarterback in high school, the lead in every school play, he played the trumpet, and he sang. After he graduated, he started college at the University of Utah. But when the Korean War started, he joined the Navy.
“He was doing some training in San Francisco when he decided to cross the bay and check out the Mormon church there. My mom was raised Quaker, but by that time had converted to the Mormon church. “So, here’s my dad, this young navy guy, and he sees this beautiful woman in that church. That’s where they met. Mom was six years older than dad. She had graduated from Whittier College and was teaching 2nd grade. “They married, and when my dad finished his naval career, they moved to Salt Lake City. Dad went back to the University of Utah, and my mom found a teaching job. Six months later, my mom suffered a debilitating stroke that left her paralyzed on the left side. My dad was 24 and my mom was 30. “The doctors just shook their heads. They didn’t know what happened. They couldn’t explain it. The medical knowledge wasn’t there yet to even determine how this happened to her. It was 1958.
“And, at the time my mother had this stroke, she was also pregnant with my older sister. My sister was born healthy, but the doctor said my mom should have a hysterectomy and not have any more kids – that it would be really dangerous. My parents prayed about it, and said, ‘No, we don’t want to do that.’ “My mom got pregnant again, and as she told the story, after I was born, the doctor came in and said, ‘You’ll be alive with two children, or dead with three, so you need to end this now.’ So, she did. She had a hysterectomy after I was born.” |
John’s father, Don, during his days in the Navy. |
The Martindale family went on to live a modest, but good life, and they were active in the Mormon church. “The Mormon church – and the Quakers – are very big on genealogy,” says John. “Mom – she did it all by hand, while paralyzed in one arm – she wrote a massive book tracking our family ancestry with all the dates, the marriages, the births, the deaths. So, our heritage, our ancestry, was vital. Our family histories go back to England and Scotland. Everything is recorded. They wrote down everything – and the family histories are just unbelievable, with some dating back over 300 years!”
John was raised to honor and take great pride in his ancestors, his lineage. “You’re a Martindale!” his father would always say. “You’re my one and only son. You’re my blood son.” But then, says Tresa, John’s wife, “When John was six years old, Don, his dad, was going to be made a bishop. And Margaret, John’s mom, went to Don and said, ‘The church is going to call you to be a bishop. You need to know I had an affair.” The revelation must have been crushing to Don, who was deep into his faith and a devoted family man. “In the picture where my dad is holding me in his arms – it still makes me cry – he still believes I’m his son,” says John. “But, when I’m six, and my mother has just admitted to having an affair? Well, what’s a man to do with a six-year-old he doesn’t know is his or not?
“But my dad? He’s strong in his faith. He’s a family man. He decides to stay and raise me as his own. But he didn’t want to do any blood tests. He didn’t want to know – he just decided he would raise me as his own. He didn’t know if I was really his son or not.” |
John and his dad, Don, at North Island Air Station, Coronado, prior to flying on the Cod aircraft (background) to the USS Constellation, 150 miles off the coast.
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Though Margaret had confessed her infidelity to Don, no one else in the family was told. The affair remained secret to John, and his childhood continued with no question about who his father was.
“My dad had to deal with a lot of hard lessons very early in his life,” says John. “We struggled financially. We did not have a lot of money. Dad worked three jobs to pay the ongoing medical bills. Mom had I don’t know how many surgeries. It was a lot.
“But, my dad and I were so close. So close. He taught me so many things. When I was in high school, I’d go to his office a lot. I remember when I was 16 and I had just got my license. I didn’t have a car yet, and my dad said, ‘I’ve got a proposition for you.’ He made me the office janitor, and he said, ‘I’ll buy all the janitorial equipment you’ll need. You clean the office, and I’ll give you $200 a month – but you have to give me $100 of that $200 back, to pay for the equipment I just bought you.
“The lesson he taught me was that I didn’t get a handout. I got an opportunity. So, as a 16-year-old, I was handed the keys to a pretty big operation.
“My dad, he instilled in me trust, honesty, and being forthright in the way you deal with people. He instilled confidence. He’d say, ‘You’re going to be a great leader one day and make a difference in hundreds of lives. You are a Martindale and Martindale’s lead with autonomy. Your uncles, cousins, and grandfather were all independent business owners who charted their own destinies.
“I was a Martindale! My ancestors were strong and successful. He made me feel like I could do anything. He gave me the vision. And I took that vision, and within a year, I was cleaning for other industrial buildings. I had to hire my friends to help me do the work. Having those accounts paid for me to get through college.” |
“My dad taught by example,” continues John. “He always seemed to stand up for those in society that needed a leg up or needed help. I learned that from him.
“He loved working with youth. He loved telling them stories, loved giving them advice. He was Santa for a long time at Fashion Valley Mall. One time, I picked him up from the mall and he handed me a sack. He said, ‘This is tonight’s take.’ In the sack were the kid’s letters to Santa. “We went up to his hotel room and I started opening the letters to Santa and they were just heartbreaking. The kids would write, ‘My daddy died. Can you bring me and mommy a new daddy?’ The kids were asking for miracles.”
In many ways, Don seemed a modern-day renaissance man. He had been accepted at The Juilliard School, sang with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and spent 11 years with the Oakland Light Opera, where he starred in all the plays, Guys and Dolls, Brigadoon, My Fair Lady, and others. As a businessman, he ran the #1 Toyota Forklift Dealership in the U.S. for 15 years running. But, at his core, he was, first and foremost, a family man.
“My dad always had an answer. He was a storyteller. He was the big guy, with the big belly, and warm hands – and he would just make you feel … safe.” |
“Years after my dad finished his business career, I was able to take him on an aircraft carrier,” says John. “It was a very sweet moment. I got on the carrier as a VIP guest and we spent the night on the ship. As we were laying in our bunks, he started opening up and talking about when he was in the Navy. He was on an aircraft carrier back then, so he knew it well.
“The planes do night operations out at sea, and the planes were pounding, and hitting the tarmac so hard our bunks would shake. My dad had been on the USS Lexington, laying in a bunk just like this during his service in the Navy. Then, one night, his CO came down, and said, “Martindale, how would you like to go home? Pack your bag. You’re leaving in an hour. “Of course, dad wanted to go home, but he didn’t get to go around – because it was in the middle of the night – he didn’t get to say goodbye to all his buddies. All the guys woke up in the morning and he was just gone. “Being there in that bunk, it brought back all the memories for my dad, and he just laid there by me, and wept. He said, ‘I never got to say goodbye to my friends. I can’t believe I’m sitting here on this aircraft carrier now, all these years later.” It was a powerful moment of closure for Don. And a moment of bonding between father and son. |
The Martindale men: Don, his son, and grandsons. |
John continued living much of his adult life under the veil of secrecy. But, when John was in his mid-forties, his father came forward with the truth – in an envelope filled with letters and documents – and the revelation that his mother had had an affair.
Says John, “My sister was there, and she looked at all the dates, and she asked, ‘Is John your son?’
“My dad – I’ll never forget it. He was a very forceful and stern man. He just grabbed me and looked me in the eyes, and he said, ‘I never want you to doubt, ever, that you’re my son.’ That put it to rest for me. I just dropped it right there. I took the envelope home, put it in the back of a file cabinet, and never looked at it again.” |
Don and John’s daughter, Sydnie. |
Years later, in part due to the family’s penchant for its ancestry, several family members had the idea to gift Don and his then wife an ancestry test. The test was done through 23andMe and, when the results arrived, it was found that – John and his father were not a match. “The way I was raised – it was everything follows the bloodlines. My dad always said, ‘You’re my blood son. It was really important for him.
“But, when we learned the results of the test, my family tree burned to the ground at that moment. It was a lot to swallow. It was a shock. Suddenly, everything I’d believed up until that point in my life, all the history of one side of my family, was literally ashes. “I was distraught. A couple days later, I was in my office, and I was supposed to sign some checks. I couldn’t sign my name, because suddenly it wasn’t my name anymore. It wasn’t. Suddenly, I’m not a Martindale. I didn’t know who I was. I felt like an orphan.” |
By the time John learned the result of the ancestry test, his father was aging, and suffering from dementia. John was still distraught, confused – his heart and mind a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and emotions.
“We were driving to see my dad – to tell him what we’d learned. At that point, he still remembered things, but it was kind of like a Groundhog Day type of thing. You would tell him something one day and the next day, he wouldn’t remember.
“But I’ll never forget that day. Even as we pulled up to the house, I felt confrontational, that I would openly reject him as my father, and want answers. We walked into the house and sat in the living room with my dad. Then, after about five minutes, my dad leaned over to Sydnie, my daughter, and he said, ‘Do you know who that is over there?’ and she said, ‘Who, grandpa?’ And he said, ‘That is my heart. That is my one and only son. That is my blood.’
“And that was it. In that moment, I knew he was my dad. I knew everything was going to be okay. I knew he was okay. I knew he believed it. And he believed it until his dying day.” |
John’s father died not knowing whether John was his biological son.
“I feel really bad for my father,” says John. “Probably at times, he was very tortured around this not knowing if I was his biological son or not. That hurts. It hurts that he had to live his life that way – thinking I was his son, but not really knowing if I was his son. He could have solved the mystery, but he didn’t want to know. So, he wondered his whole life.
“I think if I could see him again, I’d say, ‘You are my one and only dad. You are my heart. You are my blood.’ “I would want him to know that. I would want to give that back to him. I would want to give him, in that moment, what he gave me, the confidence that we were connected. I would want to give him that.” |
John and Tresa believe they have found John’s biological father. But John says, “I’m resolved to the fact that I don’t want to know at this point. Families are who you call family, biology doesn’t matter.” “I was my father’s heart. His one and only. His blood son. I am whole again. I am a Martindale!” |
John’s Mountain Shadows Connection
“Margaret gave birth to John, and made the right, and difficult choices for him,” says Tresa Martindale, John’s wife. “She gave him a healthy life, a good life, and taught him to be a strong man, and to have compassion.”
Adds John, “I was angry at my mom at first, when I learned of the affair. Then one night I had a dream. I walked into a crowded room and saw a woman sitting in the corner. I walked closer and realized it was my mom. I was hesitant to approach her, because I was still mad at her at that point. “But she said, ‘John, you need to know I never stopped loving you – and you need to know how hard it was for me to survive.’ And, you know how dreams go, just as I wanted to grab her and give her a big hug, I woke up.
“Sometime later I also had a vision of my mom. She was sitting on a bench next to me. It was reassuring to me of who she was. She was so strong, but she wasn’t perfect. She said, ‘I did not do anything wrong.’ And, in the grand scheme, I think she was right. I believe we’re all here to learn, right? It solidified my love for her.
“Those experiences put me back on the path to really loving and adoring my mother. She made the best decision she could in the moment. I never would have had the opportunities, the life, I had without her. And, honestly, I’ve had a pretty freaking good life! I’ve had a really good life.” Adds Tresa, “John is a gift and he was blessed to have been brought forward in this life in the way that he was.”
And we, the Mountain Shadows Family, are so grateful to have been blessed by John’s involvement with Mountain Shadows for the past 32 years. Thank you, John, for all you have done for Mountain Shadows!
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To Our Mountain Shadows Family Yes, we call this the Mountain Shadows Family. And YOU are an integral part of this family.
Many of our residents have no blood fathers – but as John’s father knew – we know that true family ties are thicker than blood.
Our residents are our hearts. They are our sons and daughters. And John asks you now, in honor of his father – his father by every measure of the word – to donate what you can, to help our residents feel whole … and so we can gobble them up in our arms, to make them feel safe and loved. We are the Mountain Shadows Family. |
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The Mountain Shadows Foundation – Because We CARE |
DOUBLE YOUR DONATION NOW in honor of John’s father – and all of our Mountain Shadows sons and daughters!
In celebration of Father’s Day, John and Tresa Martindale, and the Gaspare Family Foundation, will match up to $10,000 of your donations to the Mountain Shadows Foundation! Have your Father’s Day gift DOUBLED today!
$25 → $50
$50 → $100
$75 → $150
$100 → $200
Double another amount
Donate now and you can receive a tax deduction for this year!
Your gift will be matched, dollar-for-dollar, up to a total of $10,000.
Family is thicker than blood. On Father’s Day, and all days, the Mountain Shadows Foundation funds
activities which add meaning and richness to our residents’ lives – and make them feel whole. Click Here to Have Your Donation DOUBLED Today!
And please SHARE this story with your family, friends, and co-workers to help grow our Mountain Shadows Family! |
Mandy Huiras Mountain Shadows Foundation Director of Development Contact Mandy today to learn more about the Mountain Shadows Foundation and how you can continue to make a difference in the lives of our residents:
mhuiras@mtnshadows.org |
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